Lovely habits of dogs

From swan:

24 Oct 1995

Worst dog fartz _I_ ever smelt were the loving gift of my guide dog, Delsie!

She has spent the day at the beach, running on the sand and in the water, digging up sand crabs, rotted fish and other tasties and wolfing them down. She was one deliriously happy pooch!

We stopped for a meal before going home. Apparently a dog's digestion time is shorter than that of a human and the delicacies she had ingested had percolated through her intestines and distilled down into the most VILE aroma possible! We took the streetcar home.

En route, Delsie (who is VERY well trained, endeed) lay serenely, in harness, at my feet, head innocently on paws while ever so softly releasing the canine equivalent of Zyklon B!! The stench was overpowering! People were fanning the air and opening windows! In vain they looked around, trying to locate the source! Nobody wanted to believe that the blind person and the guide dog, sedately riding along, were the agent of the noxious vapors! Or maybe they thought it was me and they didn't have the heart to SAY anything! Since we were sitting in our wonted spot, directly behind the streetcar operator, HE got the majority of the mushroom cloud!

Finally as we got off the car, I recognized him as one who had given me a LOT of grief a while back over calling out streetnames! As I alighted, I turned and said in a bright tone "And if you EVER fail to call street names for me, I'll do it AGAIN!". I could hear him gasp for air as I picked up the handle and said in my most self satisfied tones...

"Delsie...FORWARD!"

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From swan:

25 Oct 1995

mc2@alcyone.darkside.com (M.C. Deuce) wrote:
"swan writes: "Worst dog fartz _I_ ever smelt were the loving gift of my guide dog, Delsie!"
"I like the way you pronounce the word FARTZ with MY COCK IN YOU.
Wait a minute -- GUIDE DOG? What are you, some sort of FREAK?"

mc2"

You got it, Cupcake! Practically Bat City!! See my birth-mother was a tasteless bitch whose idea of a good time was to get knocked up and drink herself silly while pregnant! My birth-father was a gink who had nothing better to do than get his woman k.u.ed between cablecar runs! Anyway, I was born premature and given a fifty-fifty chance of living! First thing I did when I was hauled out (C-section!) was to shit on the doctor! Anyway, I disapponted the world by living, growing and getting more tasteless by the day! I was placed in a glass incubator where I lay for months, naked and drooling, while the oxygen destroyed my eyes. When I was taken home, I spent the next few months shitting, ignoring the world and projectile puking just to keep my hand in! When I was 3 or 4, my mother ran off. The circus wouldn't take her so she died somewhere unknown to me. My grandmother (who adopted me and whom I regard as my parent!) says she has a sealed envelope with the sordid details! My father and his brother had a drinking contest to get over his losing his wife... He died in his own vomit.

My left eye is a wonder to behold with a collapsed retina and lovely pre-cancerous growths in the vitreous area. It is smaller than the right one and has a white blotch in the pupil area that looks like a speck of spooge! My right is beginning to film over with a cataract and will someday be even prettier than the left one! I have residual vision but am losing that and the cataract is inoperable due to the diseased condition of my eyes. If they ever remove either one, I MAY give some lucky freak the pleasure of fucking a live eye-socket! Stay tuned!

I went to school with a girl who had plastic eyes. She loved to put things in the sockets to startle and disgust people. Things like martini olives with the pimento facing outward like a pupil! She would pull the pimento out and eat it in class! We even had a teacher vomit one day when she did it! She got suspended for her tricks! If I ever get a prosthetic eye, I shall definitely follow in her hallowed footsteps! I always envied her!

I'll keep you posted!

Swan