Marital Bliss and Fine Cuisine

From David Hall

Tue, 17 Oct 1995

Kristin and I were discussing AT and she made the observation that we eat our boogers with zest yet try to hide it from each other. Why in God's name we try to hide it, I don't know. We both do it. We both know it. And yet, we *still* try to hide it. Maybe it's some sort of competative macho thing. You know, something like, "HA! I managed to slurp down a 6 inch slimer at your mother's dinner table and nobody noticed!" But I digress.

The true point of this post is that we got to discussing the various methods of hiding as well as the quality, taste, and private nicknames for the various types of boogers. Among our observations/techniques:

YE OL' FAKE FLICK:

After picking your nose in whatever manner prefered, you pretend to flick the booger away. This is done by the following technique: If the booger is on your index finger, flick your *middle* finger. The flicking motion will hopefully make any witnesses think that you have disposed of the beast, thus freeing you from the prying eyes that inhibit you from your low-calorie snacks.

YE OL' FINGER SWITCH:

This is our favorite tried and true method. After visably digging for your prize you bring your picking hand down to waist level and transfer the snot to your previously pristine hand (read: the other one). Since you are well practiced, you will do this with such slight of hand that no one but David Copperfield himself will notice. And thus, you may now "chew your nails" with complete confidence that noone will even do a doubletake.

YE OL' FAKE FINGER SWITCH:

You pick your nose with say, your right index finger whereupon you pull forth a nosenugget(tm). Fearful that somebody might have witnessed you picking your nose, you move your hand down to your knee (if sitting) and *pretend* to dispose of it via flicking or wiping. At this point, you must wait at least 30 seconds before you bring your middle finger up to your lips and at the last second substitute it for your index finger and taste of the succulent morsel that has been aging like fine cheese upon your fingertip. The logic is that if by some unfortunate miracle, somebody followed your movements through the FAKE FLICK, that he would see the middle finger and think to himself, "Oh, that's not the finger he was using," and stop paying attention to you. Freeing you to make the switch back to the original finger and feast.


GEE, LOOK AT THAT SUNSET!:

This technique is only useful in cars, but it is still quite effective. Basically, you pick your nose when you think noone is looking and then, turning towards the side window so that nobody can see your face, you slyly slide your hand up and feed yourself that tasty morsel that you have been dying for. The advantage of this technique is that even if you are caught, just like OJ, you can not be convicted. All evidence is circumstantial as nobody could actually see the offending act. All they saw was your hand go towards your face. If called upon, you may testify that the booger was safely wiped under the dashboard of your Bronco. And if you've prepared your car correctly, the prosecution will be left with the task of finding the *fresh* booger among the hundreds of other boogers that may be found under that dashboard.


Note: These are our favorite techniques. However, there are times when not even we choose to consume our bodies secretions. Most notably is after a day hiking (or whatever) in the open desert. At times such as this, your boogers are more sand than snot and as such are gritty, dry, somewhat sticky, and all in all, unpleasant to consume. At such time, actual disposal (as opposed to recycling) is desired. But there is a problem: Such boogers seem to form the basis of Super Glue. They resist all efforts of removal. Wiping, flicking, rinsing. No, none of these techniques prove consistantly effective. And so, at times like this, one *MUST* consume that Crunchy Cracker Jack from Hell. This is never enjoyable as two things invariably happen: 1) You manage to bite down *exactly* on a piece of sand imbedded within your booger (Can you say pain?) and 2) The booger in question sticks to your teeth like carmel and you are left to wonder the rest of the day whether that look in your friend's eyes is fatique or the disgust of having to look at your green toothed grin all day long.

Now for any of you amateurs who have any doubts as to the effectiveness of the techniques listed above.... We were married for two years before my wife ever nailed me beyond a shadow of a doubt. And as for her, it wasn't until she nailed me and began comparing notes that I was aware of her culinary habits.

Yours in shameless tastelessness,
Dave (and Kristin)

"Look, you two post funny posts, but, Jesus Christ, have some self respect. This had to be one of the sickest posts I've read on alt.tasteless!" -Damon Chetson