From Bruce:
You know, sometimes it amazes me as to the lengths some people will go to before they call in a plumber. The following tale exemplifies just what I mean....
On a beautiful Monday morning we recieve a call concerning a stopped up toilet, so being not too busy, we jump in our trucks and head out to investigate.
We arrive at the clients house, a nice redwood A-frame situated on the banks of the Big Sandy River here in eastern KY. We walk up the drive and in the process notice a peculiar smell of shit in the air--we write this off as maybe a dead fish or something down by the river. Upon ringing the doorbell we are greeted by a little boy maybe 5 years old--apparently he has been expecting us because he says "Are you here to fix the poo-poo? Smiling, we say yes, and as he opens the door wider we are lambasted with a stench so overpowering that meer words cannot begin to describe it. I mean this was one intense odor--almost visible.
By now, we know we're in for more than we bargained for, and can almost picture ourselves on the way to the bank. Now about this time, the lady of the house saunters in and we ask her to direct us to the source of her problem. Sheepishly, she turns and beckons us to follow her and we do so. Going down the hall is an effort as the miasma of shit clutches at the very fabric of our clothing, trying to force us back--it wants no part of the arsenal of weapons we plan to deploy. The Groganoids have dug in deep, and plan to resist with all of their black souls.
Although we are normally fearless in the onslaught of excrement, this encounter seems a tad strange, so we open the bathroom door with some trepidation, mixed with feelings of excitement!
Blammo! The source is revealed before astonished eyes! I am aghast, Ross is dumbfounded, our apprentice is retching, for within this fortress of putrefaction is not one, not five, but ten 5 gallon buckets arranged symetrically around the porceline god and filled to the brim with every sort of waste that can come out of a human body. The god himself is a masterpiece of filthiness--the bowl totally full and seeping over the edge...upon closer inspection, a swarm of maggots is dicovered to be thriving within.
Goddamn, we say, and begin the process of cleaning this hell hole up. Moving a couple of buckets aside, we tackle the china beast with the mini eel but get no satisfaction, so there's nothing to do but dip it out by hand and lift the toilet from the floor to access the pipe below. While we are doing this, the apprentice is removing some of the buckets of filth and the lady is just standing at the door grinning mindlessly and trying to explain to us that she had been trying to get a plumber to come to her house for over a week...we don't believe a word of it. By this time we have the toilet removed from the floor and we bend over the waste pipe to have a look-see.
Do you remember our old friend the wax bowl ring from last weeks post? Well this is what had happened....Apparently this ladies 5 year old son had decided that he didn't like his plastic toy tow truck anymore, or he just wanted to see if it would float, and had flushed it down the shitter. Now this would have been bad enough to cause any amount of problems but the damned thing on its way down got its little tow chain hooked into the wax bowl ring and just hung there. Needless to say, various and sundry articles began to collect on it until a complete blockage was formed, thus a non-working crapper.
We remove the offending object and replace the bowl--flush, flush, she's as good as new. The lady smiles and hands us a check and all is right with the world. Maybe...
On our way to our trucks, our apprentice is carrying the last bucket of shit to dump over the hill--a small dog runs out of the house--yap yap bark bark he says to our helper, and follows him to where he has been dumping the Liquishit.
Our last view of the lovely A-frame was that little dog munching merrily away on his mistresses turds. Sort of makes you wonder if that was his steady diet. Oh well, we had worked up an appetite ourselves, so it was off to the pizza joint!
Next week: A Tale Of Two Doctors
[[[[[Bruce]]]]]--Tasteless Plumber
(Originally posted on Tue, 10 Oct 1995)
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