Tasteless archives of the UGAPD

From KatmanDu:

Date: 9 Oct 1995

More tasteless tidbits from the archives of the UGaPD:

This occurred several years ago, when I was not working for the department yet, so details are fuzzy... the actual report is certain to be on microfiche, but I haven't the inclination to track it down. It does have the vague scent of Urban Legend, I know; but it did happen. If there are enough cries of "bullshit" I'll dig up the case reference number- it's used in the training curriculum for the Northeast Georgia Police Academy.

It was over summer break, during the month or so in August after the summer session and before fall quarter. A certain professor, who kept his office in Joe Brown hall, was quite fond of autoerotic asphyxiation. He had rigged the closet door of his office with a couple of nails, so that he could stand on a chair, loop a belt over the nails, and run the belt over the top of the door. He'd place his head in the belt loop and slowly bend his knees, cutting off his supply of oxygen, while he pulled madly on his purple helmeted warrior of love. Apparently he had done this many times in the past, as close acquaintances attested that he was quite adept at the practice.

As is often the case with the solo wheeze-jerker, he slipped up one day... literally. He came off the chair and hung by the belt strap. Apparently he was already in a weakened state and was unable to free himself.

Had this been a busy academic quarter, his absence would have noted within a day or two at the most. Unfortunately, (or fortunately, depending on your outlook), there were no classes or any other activity scheduled for Joe Brown hall that summer. Our gasper hung there for at least a month (again, details are sketchy.. some claim 2 months; some say three weeks). Georgia summers are notoriously hot and humid... you may draw your own conclusions about rapidity of decay in 100 degree, 90% humidity. He was discovered, at first, by a janitor who noticed a smell at the top of the stairwell where the professor's office was. The janitor was a recent graduate of an alcoholics anonymous class, and the shock of opening an office door and seeing a horribly bloated, blackened-skin, protruding-tongue and all corpse face to face was too much. He didn't report the incident to the authorities; instead, he ran off to the closest liquor store. He was found weeks later in a nearby town on an extended bender. (No followup on whether he was permenantly ruined for all custodial endeavors).

He was eventually discovered, however; and the extent of his decay was such that, as I mentioned, photos of the scene are still used in the academy for training new recruits. (Training them for what, I still don't know... How to recognize a dead body? "Say, sarge, this guy's skin is black and mushy... he's bloated to three times his normal size... it smells like Bella Abzug's twat in here... I think he's dead." However, crime-scene investigation handbooks are full of photos like this. I think they're put in for the "oh, wow, wouldya look at that!" factor. There's one that shows what's left of this guy's face after he, while under the influence of PCP, carved off his face with a mirror-shard and fed it to his dog. What's that teach, other than the fact that Darwin is alive and well?) Firefighters wearing SCBA gear came out vomiting because of the smell. The room has since been completely walled off, as they couldn't get the smell completely out and no one wanted the office any more. If I can get my grubby paws on the original case file and photos, I'll post 'em to alt.binaries.pictures.tasteless...

Now that I read back over it, it's not entirely tasteless... I'll definately have to find the original report and see if he shot steamy grogans around in his death throes.