My Poor Ol' Lazy Dick

From swan:

7 Nov 1995

Virtuanna wrote: "I was appalled to learn, and not that long ago either, I confess, that guys *don't* typically pull off a sheet of toilet paper and daintily wipe off the end of their penis after peeing! I had always thought that they did...so no more spontaneous oral love sessions..."

Adam J. Thornton wrote:"Aw, Jesus, grow up, willya? A little piss never killed anybody."


Hell, I just toss mine in with some Woolite or Ivory and swish in a dishpan!

Anyway, WHY should a guy dab that last drop off? If the REST has gone down the lady's throat, the LEAST she can do is lick that final drop off as well! Sheesh! The NERVE!

ObTasteless: My sweetie worked at the Rio Grande Zoo in Albuquerque. She had to do such menial tasks as swamp out the lioncages and hose down the hippoes. Well, it seems one day, the old camel died. He was a stenchiferous ill-tempered brute that was older than God and perfectly NASTY in his personal habits! They had taken him off exhibit when he started to stink so bad the guests noticed it. One morning, the staff came to work and found Humpy (schoolkids named 'im, whaddya expect?) belly up, stone cold dead. Well, hot dead... Y'see Albuquerque gets pretty damned HOT in the summer and this was AUGUST! They got a tractor and grapple gear and towed the dead animal to the backstage area for disposal. There Humpy lay in the broiling sun. THEN the Zoo veterinarian came to call.

Being a vet and being paid to actually DO something (as opposed to stuffing the baby chimps with Kaopectate for their diarrhea) he decided to NECROPSY the beast! He wanted to cut old Humpy open and see what had killed the nasty beast. "Who will help me necropsy this camel?" he asked, imitating the Little Red Hen. "Not I!" said the elephant keeper, nursing a sore foot (an elephant's sex organs are in its feet... if one steps on you, you're FUCKED!), "Not I!" said the bird keeper, wiping his shoulders again, "Not I!" said the Great Cat curator, Claude Balls, until the entire staff had declined the vet's gracious offer. "OK, I'll pick... YOU!" pointing at Karen. "Me?" she squeaked... She had always envisioned death as being a long way off, in bed and after a life well lived!

They dragged the camel carcass to a shady spot (as IF!) and began brushing flies off poor old Humpy. No such luck! Only thing they had going for them was that the heat made the flies lazy. But they were DEERflies... Nasty vicious BITING little bastards!, Blowflies and bluebottles completed the maddening chorus. Teh vet brought out his necropsy kit. Did he warn her to stand back? did he even TELL her what to expect? Nah! Evil little bastard simply took his long flensing-style knife and R-R-RIIIIPped that camel open! Well, the three elements needed for explosions are combustion, containment, and a breach! The beast's innards had been fermenting in the desert heat for several hours or more. The rot had probably begun before the creature died... in fact, it's what killed him! SPLOOOOTCH! They were sprayed by rotting camelguts. Karen immediately blew lunch! The canny vet has stepped backward at the critical moment and had caught only the edge of the spray. Karen was the beneficiary! Hot guts rolled out of the stomach and onto the concrete where they stuck to the surface and slowly sizzled in the sun with a mighty "Hurrah!" the flies settled on the opened carcass! Dinner is served!!

After Karen got her composure back, they shoveled the guts onto a cart to be opened later, They gutted the carcass and studied lungs, heart, liver, et cetera. Humpy, it seems had rotted inside partially. A twisted rumen wad begun to necrose, filled as it was by old feed and digestive juices. It was the rumen that had burst open. The camel had died of the gangrenous torsion in its innards.

Well, next they had to cut the carcass up to dispose of it. They could not feed it to the lions due to the condition of the meat. The blood was probably teeming with putrefaction! They took chainsaws and hacksaws and hacked Humpy into chunks small enough to fit into garbage bags... not an easy task when the carcass was eight feet long! They finally hacked open Humpy's skull and fished out the brain for examination and tossed the head into a bag. Karen was covered in gore, bits of fat and meat. The last thing that sadistic vet did was to dig out an enormous eyeball
and offer it to Karen for her supper. "Damn good eating! Bedouins save it for the chief!" She vervently resolved NEVER to be in the vicinity of that vet ever again! She thinks he actually DID save the eyes for himself.

Bon appetit!

Swan