Boogers

From Steven J. Crisp

Date: 18 Dec 1995

Dr. Mellow wrote: "I like it and look forward to hearing about the after effects of his Christmas Dinner."

It was truly magnificent. Val and I entertained two friends who recently got engaged (can't say yet who it is since they want to tell the families first prior to going public.) Anyway, I fixed chicken tenderloins fried to perfection accompanied with tiger shrimp in my own special batter. Now, you must realize that our friends are in their early 20s as is Val. I, on the other hand, am 39 and my internal digestive organs are rapidly deteriorating.

As I said, dinner was wonderful...all the fried food with green beans, white corn, wheat rolls, and some of the finest hot-horseradish shrimp sauce on the planet. The after effects left much to be desired...

You see, the fried food mixed with the horseradish and such began the heartburn. I thought four Rolaids would take care of that problem and it certainly did. Unfortunately, the Rolaids mixed with the corn and began producing gas. Now, that would have been fine and dandy if it were not for the green beans and the fiber in the wheat rolls.

As the mass churned in my stomach, it began mixing with the hydrochloric gastric juices along with a bit of mucus (you know, the type that kinda forces its way out of your salivary glands right before you hurl.) So here I've got the acid combining with the Rolaids producing more gas on top of the beans and the corn interacting with the grease as well as the salivary enzymes breaking down the wheat bread into basic sugars with a non-digestible fiber residue.

Well, my stomach began to swell and since there wasn't any room for it to go upward (lungs, heart, and all that) it moved right toward my liver. That action squeezed my already active gall bladder (since activated by the first drools of fat slipping into the duodenum) and the bile began gushing forth into the intestines. At the same time, I started to feel the then now putty-like food mass squish through the pyloric valve. At first it was a little "squirt-squirt" but it quickly developed into a torrent that sounded like a wino vomiting on the street corner. Then the pancreas kicked in...

So now I've got raw fiber, gas, salivary enzymes, grease, bile, acid, corn, and bean mush getting dumped on by trypsinogen from the pancreas and the protein begins to digest.

All of a sudden, I wanted a glass of chocolate milk.

Now, normally I would rarely drink milk since I have a rather vicious lactose intolerance, but on occasion, I get this craving and I say "what the heck." So I go for the Nestle's Quik and the milk over Val's vehement objections and find that, though we have plenty of Quik, the milk is a bit out of date. December 9th to be precise. Anyway, I sniff the milk and it smells OK, so I pour myself a big glass and mix in my usual ten or 12 tablespoons of Quik. I probably should have remembered at that point that my sinuses had been acting up what with all the warm weather this week and I really couldn't smell much. The little milk clots should have tipped me off as well.

The milk goes down and immediately my stomach yells "fuck it." Normally, I would have just leaned over and did some pretty cool projectile vomiting, but all the gas pressure apparently was forcing the top of my stomach into my diaphragm and, though it was obvious that my stomach was trying desperately to heave out the contents, all it was doing was forcing basically undigested, rotten milk through the pyloric valve into the duodenum with all the rest of the stuff that was already sloshing around in the bile and such.

It seems that at that point, the lactose intolerance kicked in full force and produced a prodigious quantity of gas. It wasn't going up so the force just pushed everything down through the intestine at full bore. At one point, something got tied up in a loop cause I got this real painful cramp, you know, the one where you try to fart but the gas is really no where near your asshole, but is actually still in the small intestine getting ready to pass into the large intestine?

Then the neatest thing happened...I could feel this wad that now had the consistency of wet concrete ramming its way up the large intestine back toward the liver. It moved across - back under the diaphragm and then slammed downward to the anus (didn't want to say asshole again just in case there are kids reading this.)

In a typical event of this type, I would simply get to the toilet and let go, but I was having problems. The hemorrhoids have really been flaring up this week. See, at my age you have a tendency to develop these little hemorrhoids from time to time - perfectly normal and usually not a problem. Just a bit of an itch then they go away in a day or two. Every once in a while, though, the little boogers really flair up and produce these protruding and pustulant boil-like things around your ass. Those develop adhesions and when you try to shit everything gets rather violently pulled apart. If they are young hemorrhoids, its not much of a problem; just a lot of blood and you hope the venous pressure is maintained to the extent that shit does not get forced into your bloodstream. But when they get to festering like these did, you get this vile pus that bursts out. Has a ph of about 2.5 and smells like the sour milk would have if my nose were not stopped up.

Anyway, this stuff is much stronger than the milk so it broke through the stuffed nose and the smell kinda embedded itself way up in my sinuses and ear canals. And even though I'll probably be smelling that for several more hours, that was the least of my problems at the moment. For what was causing the expansion of my ass and the emptying of the roids to begin with was the pressurized hose of shit that was pumping out of my ass.

Have you ever seen a garden hose at full bore? Well, that is about what was coming out of my ass. A thick stream of greenish, brown, mucus infiltrated stream was jetting out of the now pus-laden hole and pumping into the toilet. Oh, and there was corn in there, as well as partially digested bean mass. I guess the beans just got shoved through so quickly that they didn't have the time to fully decompose (although they did just enough to add to the gas.) Speaking of which...

I never realized that it was possible to spray a fart like that. But wait, I'm getting a bit ahead of myself. The whole process took about six or seven minutes and the bulk of the pressure was off. I flushed the toilet, got up, and slipped over to the sink. Looking in the mirror, I realized that I had built up a healthy sweat from the ordeal and leaned over slightly to splash water on my face. At that very moment, I remembered that if one leans over, the large intestine, rather than having to make a ninety degree turn to get to the asshole, then become a virtually straight pipe out. And obviously not all the gas had dissipated yet.

Recall the garden hose? Well take that solid stream and put it on full pressure spray. Must have been another half-gallon of liquid green/brown shit plugging up a large gas pocket because all of it decided to come out at that moment. Lucky for me that when I am bent over at the sink my bathtub is directly behind my ass. I was rather surprised, though, that I had that kind of artistic ability in me; the shit-splatter pattern on the back wall of the tub was stunning. I hadn't noticed that little slug that had crawled into the bathroom until that moment. And I never realized that they liked to eat shit so much.

I just hope in all this ordeal that my inguinal hernia did not let some of the liquid shit through into my nuts. If that happened then over the next several days I can look forward to having a case of epididymitis flare up. Normally that would not bother me since it just takes a few days of antibiotics to knock out, but I get real embarrassed when I have to give a urine test and the piss comes out looking like a combination of juicy shit and the stuff that drains out your ears after a really bad infection. Oh well, such is life...

Steve Crisp