Resource for 'tard spotters

From: KatmanDu

A good source of information for 'tard spotters new to a particular area is, believe it or not, the local constabulary. Granted, many of them may be 'tards themselves, but as they are generally very knowledgeable of the locations of local 'tard farms and 'tard hangouts, bribing one or two with doughnuts and/or the promise of a good bit of fun at someone else's expense can gain one some memorable 'tard spotting fishing holes.

I have the excruciating misfortune to work for a campus police department (a fresh heap of roadkill to the first to guess which one based on .sig file addresses), and one area that we routinely patrol is the Georgia Retardation Center, recently renamed to "River's Crossing" to make it a less obvious target for 'tard tormentors. Normally the twitchy little bastards are locked up inside, but on one occassion they were milling about in the parking lot when a squad car rode through. (I wasn't present in said vehicle, but was regaled with the tale later at the station after a good round of doughnut-fucking.) The car was being driven by a hapless trainee who hadn't ever seen the 'tards up close and also occupied by a corporal who should have known better. Said pair parked the car in the back of the lot for a little report-writing training, and the vehicle was soon surrounded by drooling 'tards; unbeknownst to the two officers who were engrossed in their paperwork. The trainee looked up and exclaimed "Gaaaah!" Half the 'tards broke and ran for the building at this, but the rest clung to the squad, screaming "Nyaaggghh!" which the corporal took to mean that they wanted to hear the siren. He activated the light bar and siren, which caused most of the remaining 'tards to soil themselves and begin crying. The 'tard shepherds noticed what was going on at this point and started collecting their charges, while yelling at the officers to turn off the siren. The poor trainee was so flustered that he drove off without turning off the lights. A couple of the hardier 'tards chased the squad out of the parking lot, which frightened the trainee who drove faster, which just seemed to egg the 'tards on. He had the sense to stop and let the 'tard shepherd gather those up before he actually got onto the highway again with them in tow. Pity, really.

I bet that with a little tinkering, those strobe bars could be made to flash at 3f/s... Imagine an entire wing of epileptic 'tards (twitchtards?) gazing out at a phalanx of squad cars, all with their seizure-inducing strobes on... hallways filled with fish-tailing, shit-streaming, urine-soaked twitchtards....

(Originally posted on 20 Sep 1995)