The Colon Chronicles - Part Ib

From: Sensei

(Date: Tue, 09 Jan 1996)

John Nash spake thusly: "ObWimp: They do go away, don't they?"

John, John. Pull up a chair... um, no... on second thoughts _stand_ beside me for a moment.

In a word: no. They do not just "go away". They shrink and hide for a while, but,alas, go away, they do not.

I first discovered my own 'rhoids about, oh, eight years ago, when I was but a young man of 23. Man, did they hurt. The were only small, but, hell, did they burn.

I went to see the doc about the painful protuberance that I found to be, um, protruding from my arse after a good shit and he confirmed my own diagnosis:

"Yes Mr McCulloch, you have a small pile". Kinda surreal to be lying on your side with a bloke's finger up your arse.

(Upon reading the above it seems that I went to see the doctor after a good shit. This is not the case).

So what to do? Well, he gave me some cream, whoch I duly applied, and they more or less vanished; they have troubled me very little snce their first appearance, but they are still there. Oh yes indeedy.

You know why, John?

It's like this... (and you all wondered when I was going to get to the tasteless bits, neh?).

Imagine the veins in your arse are car tyres. Not an easy thing to do, I'll grant you, but it's a worthwhile effort.

Now, imagine what happens when the tyre developes a bulge; a place where the wall becomes weakened and starts to bulge outwards. That's what's happened in your bottom, chum. Umpteen
years of squeezing out those turds (and let's face it, who _doesn't_ like to fire one out like a torpedo, from time to time?) have weaked said veins and they are now _bulging_.

As you can imagine, these weaked areas do not simply "go away".

However, not all is lost, for you can have surgery to correct matters.

My ex-Mother In Law had Surgery (upper case "S" quite deliberate) about six years ago.

She suffered terribly from her piles, so much so that she decided that the excruciating pain she was to endure after the operation would be worth it. Strange woman.

The operation itself was, I guess, a simple snip-twist-and-sew. The surgeon probably does a dozen before lunch every day. But the convalescence was something else entirely.

Who's had their tonsils out? I haven't, so I'm largely going by what I have heard elsewhere. If you've had them out, say, fifteen years ago, you'll remember that it was a diet of ice cream and yoghurt for some time afterwards, just to let the raw and damaged flesh heal; if you've had them out more recently, you may well recall that this is no longer common practice.

Apparently, some bright spark discovered that if you keep the operation site clear by use of abrasive substances like dry toast, you actually heal quicker. Some equally bright, but far more sadistic spark discovered that the same philosophy can be applied to the rectum and the aforementioned haemorrhoids.

So, they cut the 'rhoids out of your shitter and then apply medication and diverse substances to um, make you "go".

According to MIL, you scream; often and at great volume.

So, John, if you wish to avoid this particular experience I suggest you: a) eat loads of fibre b) don't push (take a good book to the bog with you); and c) have periodic colonic irrigation.

Love to you all,

Jon


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I admit to being deformed. It is not a character
defect, unlike your own dehumanized husk of a
personality.

J C Blalock admits to being a candidate for Eugenics
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