Re: Sperm Fall Down, Go Boom

From D.A. Shivak

18 Oct 1995

David Hall wrote: "15 Oct 95: Whilest taking a dump, I was suddenly struck by an urge to wank. And so, ass still besmirched by my foul load, I shot another load into the depths of the toilet. It was really quite interesting. I'd never shot a load into a body of water (polluted or not) before and so I was somewhat surprised to see the true nature of the beast. When I looked into the brownish yellow water I did not see more or less homogenous mass of goo that I am accustomed to seeing ooze from within the depth's of Kristin's loins after I am through with her. Nosiree, it was stringy! Now, maybe I'm the only guy over the age of 14 yrs old that never noticed this before,"

I think so. Or, your shower was not very private.

"but I tell you, it was an awakening. My spooge had a form to go with it's substance! And so I have been thinking.... How long is that rope o' love? I mean, if I could somehow reach down into that toilet and get it out into one piece, how long would it be? Supposing somebody came up with a way to do this, could goo length become a new measure of manliness? Could the man with the 4" (20 cm for you folks on the other side) prick find self respect with the knowledge that his slime trail was 3 times longer than that of Ron "The Hedgehog" Jeremy's?

Or is the appearance of this rope merely an early sign of prostate cancer?"

Neither! I myself wondered for a long while why semen's viscosity increases about 10-fold when in water. However, I have come (ahem) to a solution (I think). Now this may be complete horseshit as I have no empirical evidence to prove this. However, knowledge of DNA plasmid harvesting techniques will finally be of use to me. So, the theory:

1) Sperm are chock full of DNA... indeed, it's packed in there in ways that other cells would never dream of (known).

2) DNA is the thickest, ropiest shit you can put into solution (think about it... strings of several million base pairs long... that's one long fucking molecule). When harvesting plasmids (circular DNA) from bacteria, I often remarked upon the thick mucoid strings (sound familiar?) which resulted as you lyse the cells (blow em up, in technical parlance). One method of blowing up the little bastards is by weakening the outer membrane with proteases (protein chompers) and then dumping them into distilled water... yes, as the solutes try their darndest to get the hell out of the cell into that big pool of water, the cell won't let them get out. So what happens? The cell expands like Oprah in fast forward. Exeunt cell, hello carcass. The cell explodes like a beach ball, vomiting forth its contents... including that kooky molecule DNA. So, this technique is pretty close to what happens when you spurt into your toilet bowl. The outer sperm cells in the cluster o cowper secretions go kablooie upon encountering the water (expecting a nice warm salty acidic vagina to lurch into, but betrayed by your hand). Thus, the DNA that was meant to
father sons, daughters, or furtively attempt to impregnate goat ovii is scattered to the four winds... sort of. So, all these molecular size "fibers" (the DNA) lose their packaging and turn into a gooey mess. For visualization's sake:

Imagine a crowdful of old ladies eating velcro sphagetti. They eat so damn much of the stuff that they swell up with it. Now jab them with large pick axes. They blow up, spreading huge velcro reams all over the place, which stick to the streams from the previous victims. Soon, your warehouse of horrors is filled with velcro streams. producing a tangled mess. The tangled mess is your pickled spooge, the old ladies (now dead) are your sperm cells, and the pick axe is the dunking.

And people wonder why I went into molecular biology. (Note: I have thus far worked on a) a diarrhea causing bacterial toxin that blows up red blood cells and b) herpes virus (yes, both one and two)... are my preferences too blatantly obvious?).

Hopefully this aids comprehension somewhat. Unfortunately for you, I don't think hedgehog DNA is much more viscous in solution than human DNA.

Dave (Attempting to delurk) Shivak