A Plumbers Saga Part 1: Adventures In Liquishit

Bruce wrote:

Being a plumber, I have ample opportunity to sample the joys of peoples excrements, plus, receive a hefty salary for doing so. The following story is one of many of my true life plumbing experiences.

Enjoy..........

First let me set the scene for you, oh lover of grogans...

We had recently completed the plumbing in a new house that had been built on a hill in a golfing community near my home. Two days later, I received a call from the owner telling me that a line had broken in his septic system. Now being a conscientious plumber, I proceeded post haste to the clients house to see what the hell was the matter.

Now before we go any further, let me explain just exactly what kind of septic system this family had. This was not your normal run it into the city sewer system or septic tank, this was what is known as a high pressure pump system, the reason for this being, that the location of the house justified having to have their shit pumped about 300 feet to another high pressure line and thence to the regular sewer system. Now this system consists of a 200 gallon tank that the house sewer dumps into--at the bottom of this tank is a solid waste mulcher and a high pressure pump (approx. 200 psi ejection pressure). As you can imagine, this is the perfect Liquishit machine.


Now what had happened was that when the backhoe had filled the trench containing the ejection line, the weight of the dirt had pulled the line apart at a coupling about 200 feet away from the house and Liquishit was pouring out on to the ground whenever the pump kicked on. This just wouldn't do, especially being very close to the eighteenth green. Now being in a hurry, I rushed back up to the truck to get the tools to fix the line and returned quickly to do the repair. Just wading into this puddle of nice black water was an uplifting experience and reaching down into it to reconnect the line was sheer ecstacy----but wait, the best is yet to come!!!!

You see, in my haste to repair the line, I had completely forgotten to TURN THE PUMP OFF! So here I am, bent over the line, totally engrossed by the task at hand, when out of the blue, silent as a cobra, shoots this 1 1/2 inch jet of ground up turds, piss, kotex, jism and bog knows what else, striking me squarely in the chest and toppling me to the ground!!! Damn, I never thought plumbing would be this much fun! After the pump shut down, I finished my repair and went to talk to the owners. You can imagine their surprise when they saw their plumber all covered with the end products of their assholes and other organs and stinking to high heaven. the lady of the house was quite aghast. But to me, it was just another day in the life of a Grogan Engineer and I only charged them double my normal fee.

(Originally posted in Sept 1995)