Re: The Colon Chronicles - Part II

Virtuanna wrote: "Reminds me of the wretched week after I gave birth to my one and only child...I suffered what they called a "fourth-degree laceration" while hatching her...in other words, if you've ever heard the term "ripping someone a new asshole," well, this was it. Had something to do with... "

Editor's note: The magnificent tales of the Colon Chronicles will be posted later this week - dr. g

From Billski:

[glorious tale of ripping innards and stubborn grogans deleted...]

Piss and moan, piss and moan. I tell you, you've not lived until you've experienced trans-urethral surgery and lived to tell about it. (See the alt.tasteless archives for the story of the surgery).

What I left out in the aforementioned story is the horrors involved in the first few days of pissing. To recap briefly, I had an operation where the doctor went in through my urethra (that's piss-hole for you AOL'ers). It (my pisshole) had to be strecthed to gargantuan proportions to accomodate the instruments of destruction the doctor had to use. Add to that a few micro-incisions up inside, and top it all off with a day and a half of wearing (wearing?) a catheter.

After the doc removed the catheter, he told me it might sting a little when I pissed the first time. LYING FUCKING BASTARD FROM THE DEPTHS OF MC2'S BOWELS. Naturally, I was afeered to piss, so I held on as long as I could. Finally, I could withstand the pressure no more. So I steeled myself for the "little sting". I stood over the toilet. I closed my eyes, and gritted my teeth.

PAIN! INTENSE EXCRUTIATING PAIN! PAIN THAT IS INDESCRIBABLE IN MERE WORDS!

I would have sworn that someone was sawing through the inside of my pisshole with a rusty razor blade. I almost passed out from the pain. My legs buckled, and I had to grab the towel rack to steady myself. It took (seemingly) at least 10 minutes for me to piss. (Looking back, I must admit that the time involved was probably relative.) When at last I was able to open my eyes, I looked into the bowl. Blood everywhere. I don't think that I actually released any piss. Just blood, and major quantities of it. This wasn't blood that had been watered down to a pinkish hue, either. There was so much blood, that it was reminiscent of a scene from the movie "The Ten Commandants". It looked like a murder scene.

It got better after a few days. Childbirth, bah! I pissed blood.

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Billski - "I'm young.. I'm HEALTHY.. I can HIKE THRU CAPT GROGAN'S LUMBAR REGIONS!" - Zippy

(Originally posted on Wed, 10 Jan 1996)