Armagrogan

From DaeTh

26 Oct 1995

The clouds rolled in slowly. They filled the skies everywhere with thick heavy clouds like mucus slowly filling your sinuses. The clouds were viscous and clingy much like the snot that dribbles from your nose during a head cold. Airplanes passing through the clouds would become coated and crash. Some people took it as a sign of impending doom. (Don't you hate it when they're right?)

The rains came soon afterward. It rained heavily all over the world for days. Soon there was flooding all over. Mud and sewage began to fill the streets as the heavy rains continued to pound down. Chaos abounded as people ran trying desperately to escape the rising floods. Sewers backed up and overflowed, sending shit and various excrement floating down the streets. On the higher ground, where the flooding wasn't bad, religious zealots began to parade the streets declaring that this was a sign that the end was near. Angry flood victims soon proved that they were right. Carrying shovels and rakes and other implements of destruction, they proceeded to crack open the heads of the demonstrators and generally beat the shit out of them. Nobody likes to hear that it's going to get worse. It was pissing down.

Then, this became literal. The rains abated somewhat, and people began to hope that the worst was over. Then the rains changed into piss. Urine began to fall from the sky; and not the kind of dilute urine after a night at the pubs. This was the deep, rich smelling piss that comes from a good meal of asparagus. People tried to run for shelter, but the houses were already flooded by the rains. Many were forced to stay outside and endure. Others, (Hollister for example) rushed into the streets with delight. The ultimate golden shower! They stripped off their clothes and let the piss cover their bodies. Wanking furiously, they would turn their faces upward and drink from this heavenly stream. A good pukefest was had by the bystanders who were repulsed by having to watch this spectacle.

Then came the next wave: spooge. The piss stopped suddenly, and in its stead came large, glistening white globs of jism. Few now doubted that this was a sign of the Second Coming. Women ran naked into the streets trying to get hit. They would scoop handfuls of spooge and shove it up their cunts. This was their opportunity to be impregnated with the sperm of God.

It came as a surprise and relief to all that the rain of liquishit didn't happen. Instead, after the rain of holy jism had abated, the clouds actually began to thin. And then the Earth shook. Earthquakes of incredible magnitude rocked the globe. Cities fell. Blood began to flow in the streets as millions were crushed and twisted in the wreckage.

Massive cracks began to open in the ground, and toxic, sulphurous gases billowed from the fissures. The Earth was blowing an enormous fart. The noxious gases choked and killed the survivors of the rains. People clawed out their eyes and tore at their throats in agony. One man, knowing he was about to die, decided to smoke a final cigarette. Thousands were vaporized in the ensuing methane explosion.

The seventh scourge hit shortly afterwards. Vast mountains of shit issued out of the bowels of the Earth. Great ranges of various types of steaming shit grew. Some dark, hard, constipated shit shot straight out. In other places, brown, semiliquid shit oozed out and spread into heaping mounds. Volcanos of liquishit erupted and sprayed their slime over vast areas. Elsewhere there were huge piles flecked with corn the size of boulders. But no-one was left to bear witness. Life on Earth had ceased.

Judgement day had arrived. The souls of the dead were gathered to be judged. The massive, towering form of Jesus, the first artificially inseminated man, stepped in front of the crowd. In a giant voice he spoke, "My father and I have always tried to be forgiving. At times, that has become very difficult, but never more so than now. There now exists a group spread throughout the world that has exhibited such utter lack of respect that they have condemned all to destruction. The creators of 'Fuck the Skull of Jesus' will now be brought forth to face punishment." He then read a list of names too numerous to mention which was very similar to an extended A.T. Who's Who.

The crowd of A.T.'ers gathered in front of The Holy Son. Once fully assembled, their sentenced was pronounced. "You have all been sentenced to extinction. Your method of execution will be in accordance with the fundamental Christian rule: 'Do unto others before they can do it unto you.'"

From behind him, the Lord Our Savior produced a sturdy hand drill. "I'm now going to give you each a good squicking like you proposed should happen to me. Geoff Miller, step forth. As the one who developed the concept of squicking, you will be first."

Geoff is brought to the front and strapped to a table. The drill is slowly lowered toward his forehead. As it gets near, his choad starts to rise and stiffen. "Oh yes, give it to me," he cries, "The ultimate A.T. death." As the drill penetrates and the blood and bone begin to fly, Geoff blows the final load of his existence.

Throughout the group hands are being lowered toward their genitals. Soon everyone is wanking furiously and coupling together in a massive orgy. The great Holier Than Thou stops drilling to look up at this scene of carnal abundance. He puts a stop to it with a wave of his hand.

Lenore steps forward from the group and asks, "Since I am Ms. Alt.tasteless '94, does that mean I get to go next? Please?" Others begin to echo this type of plea.

The Lord's Great Offspring looks over the eager group. "Let me get this straight. You people are actually enjoying this?! You're looking forward to your turn?" There is a general murmur and nod of agreement. He throws down the drill and says, "Christ, how can I torture you for your crimes if you're just going to enjoy it? I sure as shit can't send you to hell."

Then a shimmering began to appear above the Holy Executioner. All light seem to be sucked into an expanding region of blackness. Through the hole steps the monstrous, demonic form of Glub himself. Towering over His Righteousness, Glub turns to him and speaks, "Hey Christ boy, I love what you did to the Earth. I couldn't have done it better myself. However, I won't let you treat my subjects this way."

Glub kicks the Spawn of God in the ass, sending him sprawling. Standing on his chest, Glub grabs the drill. Pressing it against the forehead of Lord Christ Almighty, he calls out, "Hey Pierre, my loyal servant, want to have first go at him?"

Cheers,
DaeTh

"The thing that separates men from animals is that we don't use our tongues to clean our own genitals" -- A.J. Rimmer