The Perfect Woman Kit

Editor's note: I'm going out of town for a few days, so here are three weird ones to make up... -- Dr. Grogan


Gabe wrote:

Tue, 31 Oct 1995

Well, here is another story I tossed out here awhile back.

Have you ever fantasized about the perfect woman? A woman that would cater to your every need and want? A woman that fit you so perfectly that you would never dream about finding a gal better? And hey, I bet that has never happened to you, right? It's a one in a million chance, a chance that most people never get. Well now from Dow Pharmecuticals, the same company that brought all you guys silicon breast implants, comes.....

*********** THE PERFECT WOMAN KIT ***********

Every Perfect Woman Kit (tm) comes with a wide assortment of tools to turn -any- woman into man's ideal of femininity. This amazing new selection of basic and simple to use equipment can easily alter any woman's physical appearence to suit the most finicky and picky man.

Your new Perfect Woman Kit (tm) (for a low, low price of only $39.95) comes with several multi-use tools to get the job done quickly and easily. Easy to follow step-by-step instructions and full color diagrams accompany each tool, allowing you to understand every fantastic detail.

The Rubber Mallet/Curved-claw Hammer ===> The most important piece of equipment in your kit allows you to change your woman's mouth to allow the most pleasurable oral sex you could ever imagine. Just simply open her mouth and using the rubber mallet end of your hammer, loosen all of her teeth except 2 opposed molars (to be explained later). Leave the two teeth on her left if you're a righty, and vice versa. Now that they are all loosened up, use the claw end of the hammer to pry those little suckers right out. Make sure not to break them....we wouldn't want any jagged points staying around, now would we? I hope you made sure those two back molars stayed nice and tight because, as any beer drinker knows, they'll do just fine to open your Pabst Blue Ribbon long necks.

Our next item on the list is:

The Sharpened Spoon/Extra Large Metal File ===> Since reading about the Mallet/Hammer combo a burning question has been on everyone's mind. When you are opening your beer, where are you going to rest your Mighty ManTool (tm Geoff) ? Well guys, the spoon is the answer. After altering your loved ones dental work (at that low, low Perfect Woman Kit (tm) cost) you just grab the file and carefully work the spoon into the side of either eye. After the spoon is pushed to its full extent, just bend it back and "Pop!" you have created the new resting place for your turgid manhood. You won't miss a beat, even when refreshments are being opened below. Now that you've used your Perfect Woman spoon, we'll move onto the file. The file is the tool that lets your creative juices (hehe) flow. The main purpose of the tool is to flatten the top of your woman's head to a degree of smoothness according to you tastes. Some like a small area smoothed out to accommadate an ash tray or remote control, while others may want a more versatile surface. (note: For those who enjoy a relatively large flat area, an investment in a belt sander my be more efficient for the time oriented man.)

And finally...

Your Perfect Woman Kit (tm) Special Options Pack!

With each Perfect Woman Kit (tm) you get a a choice of one of three motion controllers. They simply bolt to the sides of your gals head to allow complete control. Your motion controller comes in three distinct styles:

A: The Aviator Stick: Just like your flying in the cockpit (hehe) of an F-16, this model brings the excitement home!

B: The Big Rig: For those manly men, this giant 24 inch diameter steering wheel gives you the freedom of the open road.

C: The Straight Handle: For those who like lasting use out of their purchases, this foam gripped handle is easy and fun to manage.

Order your Perfect Woman Kit Today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As usual, commentary is appreciated.

Gabe