My Apotheosis

From Adam Thornton:

I will never disbelieve anything I see in a porno flick again.

This weekend, my choad did something I never believed possible. Hear my tale, oh Gentle Reader.

I was having an enthusiastic fuck with my "latest inamorata" (TM Anne); we were already doing the porno-style fuck, since I wasn't wearing a condom and she wasn't on the pill. So I was just going to extract the ol' SnotNazi at the last second and make a mess of her sheets. That, at least, was the theory. She is on top of me, horizontal. This fact will become relevant in a moment.

So the moment arrives. I pull out and let fly.

A streamer of cum lashes across my moustache, up my nostrils, and into my eye, continuing up past my receding hairline.

Yes. I came _over_ someone's back, and into my own eye and hair. To make matters better, my eye immediately became irritated and inflamed. Note to readers: semen in your eye _hurts_.

I am told my change-of-expression was priceless, from the standard unguarded "I'm having an orgasm" to shock and disbelief, followed closely by pride and arrogrance. And well, I believe, I _should_ be proud.

The pregnancy issue aside, it's a good thing I pulled out. I'd've driven her cooter up through her lungs.

Adam

(Originally posted on 14 Mar 1995)

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From Jeff Smith:

Adam Thornton writes: "I will never disbelieve anything I see in a porno flick again."

[story of the spunk-rocket deleted]

How the hell did you DO that? Do you lift weights with your prostate or something? Jesus. I admit to firing the ocaasional high-velocity round myself (especially after long abstinance or a prolonged, start-and-stop hand-job) but to actually have the delta-v to arc up OVER her back and into your face, well.. my hat is off to you, sir.

Maybe you can rent yourself out for sand-blasting? I can picture it now: Adam stands before a sooty building-face in midtown. Squinting his eyes, he appraises the wall before him. Noting the badly soiled limestone and gritty finials, he mutters "Gonna be a tough one." and reaches into the toolbox beside him, drawing forth a copy of "Swedish Doggie Style." He quickly drops trou and begins to rub the head of his tool with a thick, calloused thumb. A true professional, Adam quickly gains tumesence and begins a hearty wank. He rapidly gains momentum, his fist shifting back and forth rapidly across the lean length of his Lovewurst(tm).

Suddenly, he draws back his mouth in a grimace of pleasure, and fires forth an intense, salty stream. It spatters violently against the building in front of him with a sharp cracking sound, not unlike the sound of a whip strinking the flanks of a young lad. The hot, oily load ricochets from the wall, splashing unwitting pedestrians with his mutant seed. His hi-v wad quickly does it's job; scouring decades of hydrocarbon grime from the limestone. Rivulets of steaming spunk -- now gray and gritty with the filth from the building -- run along the sidewalk, filling the gutter.

Adam continues to fire off surges at half-second intervals that splash forcefully on the building. He redirects the spray, cleaning the further reaches of the stonework and unwittingly killing a pigeon with the force of his Manchowder(tm). Soon, the powerful streams slacken and diminish to mere dribbles. Tired, but proud of his work, Adam tucks away his withered meat, wipes his hand on his pants, and packs away his magazine. Another job well done.

"And to think," he muses as he stolls home, "I get PAID for this."

smith

(Originally posted on 15 Mar 1995)

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From HinTysen:

Adam Thornton spurted: "I came _over_ someone's back, and into my own eye and hair. To make matters better, my eye immediately became irritated and inflamed. Note to readers: semen in your eye _hurts_."

A favorite true story which I have heretofore not shared with the a.t crowd follows (names slightly changed to protect the guilty).

An old friend (who is a police officer in a Milwaukee suburb) had just returned from his honeymoon. Mark and his lovely (actually, she's quite hot) wife, Julie, said they fucked nonstop for a week.

Anyway, a couple of days later I see Mark and he's all upset. "What's wrong? Kickbacks from the Mob not come through?" He said "fuck you" and so I knew something was wrong.

I got him to spit it out: "I shot my wife in the eye!"

WHAT??? Julie dead, and I never even got the chance to see her bottom half nude? (The top half was extremely excellent, BTW)

"No, I shot in her eye. You know..." And he made a jerkoff motion with his hands.

I began cackling incessantly. "Ain't funny," he said. "She almost went blind in one eye."

Turns out she was blowing him and pulled it out to have Mark spooge all over her face (she's a painter, not a chef). At that instant, he jizzed a spurt right into her eye.

And then, fuckwit Mark saw her in pain and decided to rinse it out with LISTERINE!!!

She's better now, and while they freely joke about all things tasteless, they do not like to discuss that incident. The only good line I've ever gotten out of him was "when I put the (Listerine) in her eye she screamed so loud I thought it was going to break the windows."

So, yes, Adam, spooge-in-the-eye (better known as pre-eyeball-ectomy squicking) is painful and dangerous.

Thank you for stirring my memory. Now I must call Mark and ask him if he has shot his wife lately.

(Originally posted on 15 Mar 1995)
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From Bangers 'n' Mash:

Adam Justin Thornton wrote: "Yes. I came _over_ someone's back, and into my own eye and hair. To make matters better, my eye immediately became irritated and inflamed. Note to readers: semen in your eye _hurts_."

I figure it hurts just about anywhere: I don't know how many guys have had the same experience as me, but my present gf and one previous have been irritated by my spooge. The previous one was no surprise; she was allergic to just about everything and would break out in hives on contact with anything less pure than distilled water. My current gf's mouth goes numb when she swallers a load, and my spooge causes her skin to get red and irritated on contact. The crotch dockiter tells her this is not unheard of.

My theory is that the SnotNaziNauts (spoim) will attempt to fertilize any cell they come in contact with. Adam, picture the cells of your cornea surrounded by wriggling spermatozoa thinking "It's the egg! Hey, man, I got the fucking _egg_!" It would be not unlike the Itchy and Scratchy cartoon where Itchy (the cat?) chops Scratchy (the mouse?) into dust particles, then inhales the particles, which grow into tiny mouse homunculi and reduce him to bubbling ooze.

Bangers 'n' Mash

(Originally posted on 15 Mar 1995)
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From Sean McAfee:

Adam Justin Thornton wrote: "So the moment arrives. I pull out and let fly. A streamer of cum lashes across my moustache, up my nostrils, and into my eye, continuing up past my receding hairline.

Yes. I came _over_ someone's back, and into my own eye and hair."

You the man, Adam.

I think this article is my cue to relate a little experiment I've had in mind for a couple of weeks.

It occurred to me for some reason that it would interesting to know exactly how fast my testicles generate spooge.

My experiment as originally conceived was simple: Each time I beat my meat, I'd save the spooge, weigh it, and record the time and date of the wank. After a few months of data-gathering, I'd feed the data into the UM computer, manipulate it a bit, and wind up with a nice graph of Spooge Mass versus Time Between Wanks, which I would, of course, post to a.b.p.tasteless. Jack off, man, I'm a scientist.

A little more thought made me realize that extracting any meaningful data was not going to be easy. First of all, I don't have a scale of any kind, and certainly not one sensitive enough for my needs. There are electronic scales in the freshman physics labs where I teach; I could use one of those. Wait a second, I thought, how am I going to get the cum over there? Just jizzing on a Kleenex and bringing that to school is no good, since most of it was bound to evaporate before I got there. My next idea was to buy a bunch of small test tubes. I could cum into one of those, cover it, record the time and date on it, and occasionally covertly sneak into the physics lab during a lunch hour to weigh the specimens. Better than tissue, but with a whole different set of problems. For one thing, the small test tubes I remember from chemistry have mouths comparable in size to my piss-slit; it would be a real trick to shoot my wad into one without any spillage. Also, the air is probably filled with microscopic cum-guzzlers who would love to feast on my seed and metabolize it into various waste products, some perhaps gaseous. So, while I would have more leeway than if I had used tissue, I still couldn't afford to dawdle for too long.

I also realized that the data analysis may not have been as simple as I'd first reckoned. Instead of a simple mass vs. time relationship, the amount of spooge generated after a given wank could very possibly be a nontrivial function of the times of my several most recent wanks--in technical terms, there could be a hysteresis effect operating in my 'nads. My best guess would be that my nuts constantly manufacture pud-pudding at a rate proportional to the difference between their present volume and their volume when fully-loaded. Like Newton's Law of Cooling (McAfee's Law of Spooging?), this would imply that the quantity of cum in my balls always exponentially approaches some maximum value. When I shoot, a reasonable hypothesis would be that some constant fraction of my reserve spooge is ejected, regardless of how full I am. This already-complicated analysis is made more difficult by the additional fact that some cum is always trapped in the piss-pipe, to slowly leak out for a half-hour or so after orgasm.

(Wouldn't it suck to be one of those trapped sperm? You've lived your whole life for the entire purpose of finding and penetrating an egg; when your host starts getting busy, you get insanely psyched up and ready for action; the moment of truth arrives, and everyone makes a mad dash for the door; and then you don't even make it out of the fuckin' dick. Instead, you ignominiously drip out long minutes afterwards, when there's no pussy in sight. Well, at least it beats being eaten and digested.)

So, the cumsh^H^H^H^H^Hupshot of all this is, the whole thing is just too damned much work, and I ain't gonna do it. And anyway, this entire scenario depends on my remaining bereft of poontang for at least a few months, and I prefer to think positively. Medical science will just have to wait.

Sean McAfee -- "I should have told you I was a leper before we made love." -- Sam Kinison


(Originally posted on 16 Mar 1995)