club toilet incident 2

From Tim Hayward

Thu, 26 Oct 1995

I was working security at a London club last New Years Eve. The party was held in a film studio and a long line of 'Portaloos' had been arranged outside to service the thousand or so clubbers. Part of my beat was to check up on these occasionally. As I passed one 'pod' I distinctly heard two female voices, one of which seemed to be in some distress. Applying my ear to the plastic door and beckoning over a colleague, I heard the following dialogue snippet...

Female 1: For fuck sake hurry up
Female 2: I can't get it in. It keeps slipping out

A brief arguement ensued over the earpiece. My colleague recommended tipping the 'Portaloo' forward, onto its front, trapping the occupants and showering them with feces and blue water. I counselled caution and, using the edge of a coin, prepared to pop the lock from outside.

As the door swung open we were presented with the sight of two rather attractive girls, one with her head almost in the bowl, her tights around her knees and her mini hoiked up to reveal her delightful brown pucker staring unwinkingly at us. Her friend, similarly loved up, was attempting to introduce several high grade ecstasy tablets into her friend's rectum.

My colleague and I are not normally fazed by any of the strange occurences the job leads us into. We are large, fit and well trained, but this was something entirely different. There was a sort of Mexican standoff. Two big guys in tux and earpiece staring open mouthed at two small women stuffing drugs up each other staring in amazement at two big guys.......etc

As an English gentleman, I could see only one solution to this impasse. As gently as possible, I closed the door and used the coin to relock it.

They both bought me a drink later. It was all rather sweet.

____________________________
And I, with these, mine eyes, have seen
Appalling stuff called Margerine
Consumed by men in Bethnal Green...

Hilaire Belloc